Real Signs She Cares About You: the Difference between Concern and Control

19.03.2020

No one starts a relationship to change their life for the worse. And even more so nobody expects aggression and disrespect from loved ones. But what if he’s impossible to please, and she’s so annoying that he always looks for an excuse to spend some time away from her? What if the atmosphere in the relationship gets more and more tense day by day? What to do if you have to account for every minute you spent at work, with friends, and literally anywhere without your partner?

For all of us, the highest manifestation of love is care for each other. You know, when you make some tea for your loved one when she’s cold or cook a tasty dinner just as a reminder of how much you love her. Wake up earlier and tiptoe out of the bedroom to give your significant other a few more precious minutes of sleep, gently covering her with a blanket. Care brings a warm feeling to the one who give it and the one who receives it. But here’s where things get dangerous because, in a blink of an eye, care turns into control. Both feelings are identical as twins, with the only difference: caring is positive, and control is toxic. We’ll teach you how to tell when a woman cares about you and when she violates your personal boundaries.

Does she care about me or control me?

Total control is the most obvious and most common sign of relationship abuse. And it easily disguises as care. Nowadays, we can stay in touch around the clock with phones, messengers, and social media. At the beginning of a relationship, partners want to stay in contact all the time (if you can’t physically be together, you at least have texting) and appear better than they really are. That’s why she wants to pamper you with your favorite treats, dress up for you, and watch “that stupid game” together, and you want to fix her dripping kitchen faucet, walk her dog, and delete your account on that ladies dating site. This is normal.

But over time, we cease to behave like a superhero with loved ones. It’s not that loving people stop taking care of each other; it’s just that care is no longer hypertrophied.

In a relationship with a controlling partner, everything’s exactly the opposite: the longer you’re together, the more difficult it is for you to break the bond of her obsessive care, which, in fact, is a form complete control over your life. You’re an adult and independent person, and you’re definitely able to get home from work without notifying your partner about every step. You have the right to leave home and not report on your exact route. You don’t have to tell where and with whom you’re. If your independence irritates your partner, this is not caring. You might think that when a girl gets jealous, it means she cares. But as a matter of fact, you’re dealing with a controlling abuser. You’re unlikely to change something. It’s better to end the relationship. There are millions of singles out there, so who knows where you meet a woman to marry.

When your partner thinks she controls you comes the next step: she tries to isolate you from your loved ones so that they couldn’t open your eyes. Suddenly, it turns out that your significant other is the only one who knows what’s best for you. All that your friends are good at is drinking and partying; your parents are abusers (ironical, isn’t it?) who overwhelm your personality; all your colleagues are backstabbers who are just waiting for you to let your guard down and take your position. But while your social life is still somehow holding up, the controlling partner uses your relationships with people to damage your self-esteem. “What others will think about you” is one of her favorite lines.

Because she cares about you! She doesn’t want anyone to judge your looks (body, hairstyle, etc.). She doesn’t want you to express controversial opinions (in the company of friends or on social media) that could result in a conflict out loud. She doesn’t want you to do anything (which is negative in her opinion, naturally) that can provoke someone’s reaction.

Signs of excessive control that don't have anything in common with care

Controlling behavior knows no boundaries – people of any age, gender, or socio-economic status can turn out to be seasoned manipulators. But how to tell when she cares about you and when it’s time to get suspicious? Here are the signs that your girlfriend is trying to control you.

You don't feel enough personal space

If you didn’t give your partner a reason for distrusting you but at the same time began to notice her following you or quietly checking your phone or computer when you’re not looking, the situation is pretty bad. She can make assumptions about who you spend time with and accuse you of cheating, even if there’s no reason for suspicion. The only way for such a person to feel comfortable is to always know what you’re doing. Don’t let your partner control your actions. A healthy relationship is based on trust and honesty. If it’s difficult for you or your significant other to trust each other, the relationship may not stand it.

She always emphasizes she truly cares

“She’s so thorough about my diet. Wow, she really cares about me.” Not really. Naturally, a controlling partner will never admit that care is just an excuse for penetrating every aspect of your life to affect them one way or another. In case you decide to voice your suspicions and tell that she’s overdoing it, your partner would most likely try to reassure you that her intentions are pure.

You have to make excuses for nothing

All couples fight from time to time, this is how it goes. But for controlling people, quarrels and criticism are an indispensable part of a relationship. Most often, these are baseless accusations. Sooner or later, this line of behavior makes you feel like you’re insignificant and good for nothing, while your tyrant partner rises above you as if the whole world is at her feet. Seems familiar? You’d better start making conclusions.

You rarely act like you want to avoid her criticism

The partner not only wants to control where you go and what you do in your free time. She wants to “reshape” you into a person she’d like to see next to her. One way to do this is to constantly criticize you: the clothes you wear, your hair, the way you stand, sit, talk, watch, spend free time, hang out with friends, work, etc. The reshaping process may begin with something small, but it will quickly turn into an avalanche of criticism if you succumb to them. The worst part is that a person trying to control you usually makes some pretty weighty arguments, so the criticism seems very convincing. Ultimately, you should be more confident. It’s self-confidence that’s crucial when defending against a partner who’s trying to control you.

How to tell if she cares about you

Ok, what if she has no interest in control and genuinely cares about you? After all, it can be hard to tell one from another. To make your doubts go away, look for one of the following signs she cares deeply about you.

She is jealous but moderately

As soon as a girl realizes she has feelings, jealousy kicks in, and that’s normal. Perhaps she’ll try to hide this from you, but you’ll notice anyway. Jealousy speaks of indifference and fear of losing a partner. Watch how she reacts when you chat with other girls. If she gets overly angry or upset, that’s a bad sign, but if she’s calm but cautious, everything’s fine.

You feel physically and emotionally secure

People don’t feel wary or tense next to their caring loved ones. They know they can rely on a partner in any situation. They don’t have to constantly expect mood swings, fights, and other types of abnormal behavior. A healthy atmosphere in a relationship is one of the signs she really cares about you.

She’s afraid of losing you

She became a little more open, showing that you’re dear to her. In a quarrel, she never asks you to leave. She would rather try to make concessions and find a mutually beneficial solution. Now, to give in and accept defeat is the normal way out for her because she values the relationship with you more. Take a closer look at how your girlfriend acts.

She always wants to lend a hand

When a woman cares for a man, she no longer separates his needs from hers. His concerns are her concerns as well, at least to some extent. So don’t be surprised when she gives you advice or offers to help you with something. It feels great to know you have a backup. Even if she can’t be of actual help, you’ll feel her moral support. And that’s worth a lot.

She trusts you

“She almost never asks me where I was and what I was doing. I don't think she cares about me.” Relax, she doesn’t need to poke around your phone if you’re late at work. She doesn’t need to monitor your social media or eavesdrop on your conversations. She believes you and understands that since she chose you, she should cast aside all doubts. In turn, she can share her feelings with you. For her, you are the closest person. Excessive curiosity isn’t a sign of a caring partner.

She supports your individuality

A healthy attachment of partners to each other doesn’t prevent them from setting their own goals in life and achieving them. They have all the personal time and space they need. They support each other, are proud of each other, and are interested in each other's hobbies. If she values your habits and free time, it’s also one of the signs she cares about you.

She surrounds you with care and attention

Instead of arguing, she’s just glad to see you when you get home late from work. It matters to her whether your meeting was successful. She cooks for you from time to time and even cleans up the mess you usually make in a hurry. She wants to make you feel as comfortable and cozy with her as possible.

Your happiness is her goal

If your partner truly cares, she’ll share your sorrows and brightest moments. No one wants to see their loved ones upset, and a caring person will always try to do something to cheer a partner up. She’s happy as long as you’re happy.

She’s concerned about your future

Of course, a woman who cares about her loved one cares about his future too. She’s interested in how you see your life in a few years and how you’re going to achieve your goals. She won’t stand watching you waste your energy and potential. If she gets mad at you, she cares.

She’s ready to discuss conflicts and contradictions

It’s easy to talk with your partner when everything’s going well, but it’s much more important to be able to constructively discuss any conflicts and grievances. In a healthy relationship, partners always have the opportunity to tell each other why they’re unhappy or offended but in a respectful way. They don’t avoid conflicts and never pretend that nothing happens. They discuss everything and resolve contradictions.

Now you know how to tell if a girl cares about you. But before you jump into conclusions, note that building a relationship is work, and we sometimes make mistakes in the process. So if you notice your girlfriend turning from a caring partner into a controlling parent, try discussing this. Maybe she just doesn’t know where your boundaries are, and she didn’t mean to violate them. And remember that in the relationship, each partner not only takes something but also gives something.