Mommy Issues Signs in Women

03.09.2018

The issue of different generations not understanding each other is more and more prevalent these days. It may not affect a person at all, but, which is more often the case, it leaves an emotional scar, sometimes, quite a deep one. Today we will explore all the aspects of such generational conflict, mainly focusing on “Mommy issues psychology”.

What are mommy issues

A mommy issue is a complex beast and varies from person to person, from case to case. But generally, it is an emotional scar that is left on a person for a prolonged period of time (or the rest of their life) due to poor or absent relationships with one's mother.

A mental, or perhaps, even a physical trauma during childhood affects their entire life. Whether it’s an abusive alcoholic mother, who cannot keep her things together, laying all her problems on you in various ways, or a simple absence of a mother figure in one’s life.

A child’s perception of life, how he or she develops into a full human being, is heavily dependent on its parents. What lessons have they taught their child, what personal qualities have they shown for a child to learn from. You get the idea; it is hard to be a good parent sometimes, in a way, impossible. So, it’s no wonder that some mothers fail in their duties and they leave their kids with a “mommy issue”.

Mommy issues vs daddy issues

Signs of mommy issues may differ from daddy issues, but they are actually quite similar. In both cases, a person had a rough childhood, in both cases he/she carries this scar into his/her adult life, but what are the differences?

Now, let’s just start off from the basic rule, as it seems. The parental issues of such kind seem to mostly be between a mother and her son, and a daughter and her father. Perhaps because you already know how you feel as a certain gender, you know what it’s like.

Daddy issue: For example, a girl has been rejected by her father, now she has trouble finding a male partner in life or simply a friend figure. She has troubles letting men into her life, she is suspicious of them and projects the problems of her father onto other men. On the other hand, she may seek the attention of men like her father. Let’s assume her father was an alcoholic, now she may seek those who are alcoholics as well, trying to compensate for her lacking relationship with her father.

Mommy issue: a guy has been rejected by his mother, now he is a man with mommy issues and, more than anything else, he seeks the attention of women through sex and has a bad image of them in general. Guys with mommy issues have problems with dating women, either of hate, low image or lack of understanding. Just like with daddy issues, it may manifest in men with mommy issues seeking a “substitute mommy”, a woman that will care for him dearly. Or, on the contrary, hatred, antagonization, and disgust towards women.

As you can see, they are quite similar, both can manifest in a similar trauma and effects. Running away from male/female figures, setting a high standard for them, desperately seeking the atention of those who remind you of your parent.

Signs of mommy issues

Now we will go into more detail on mommy issues symptoms. So, you as a person, all of your emotions and all that you’ve ever experienced are the result of two things, DNA (a basic mental structure, in this case) and the Environment.

The latter is the key in this case. The Environment, in this context, is the people and experiences that influenced you as a child. The DNA is unchangeable, it’s a constant, in this case, but the Environment differs. However, because you are like an information sponge as a child, family tends to be the most important aspect of forging your identity.

So, the Mommy issue – it’s when a mother fails to carry out her duties as a parent in the eyes of her child.

As we’ve said, mommy issues signs differ. Physical abuse may develop hatred and disgust towards females in the adult life. Mental abuse may cause to mistrust females, have problems with dating and communicating them. The absence of a mother often leads a child to find a substitute, it may be a friendly neighbor, who always seems so good and kind to you. That is the simple nature of it, really. A child has no mother so they start to look up to the closest female they see, in this case, a neighbor. She has her own kids, always brings you cookies and seems friendly enough. It often leads to trying to spend as much time with such a person as possible. A child sees parents of other kids, asking oneself, what is it like to have a mother? They don’t know what shifts a “normal” perception of growing up as we perceive it.

Now we will go a little bit more in-depth into mommy issues in females. Psychology distinguishes the main types of "toxic" mothers:

Disrespectful mother

Such a mother always knows what is best for her daughter. The feelings and desires of the daughter are depreciated. The main message from the mother: "Your feelings do not matter. You do not know what you want, I know what is best for you"

Controlling mother

She affects all aspects of her daughter's life. "You cannot be trusted, you cannot live without me, you are not capable of anything".

So instead of her own identity, the girl develops a false "I", an image that is important to match. There is no place for your daughter in your daughter's life. Women brought up by such mothers have the feeling of emptiness in their lives and a sense of guilt for not conforming to the image of a "good girl".

With such a mother, the daughter has two ways, to become a “grandiose” or depressive. The "grandiose" girl is constantly looking for admiration for herself. In order not to feel emptiness, she needs recognition, power, popularity. She is demanding of herself and always strives to match her mother’s ideal. She blames any failure on herself. The depressive girl also does not like herself and feels guilty that she isn’t worthy of her mother's love.

Here are some tips on how to improve your relationships with your mother:

If you do experience the things above, if you ask yourself how to deal with mommy issues, we offer to read the following. First of all, realize your feelings for the mother. Recognize your own mommy issues signs. For this, it is necessary to return to childhood and analyze the relationships that connected us with our mothers, to understand what good and bad we received from them. To understand all this means to start to look at your own childhood with empathy.

At the same time, you need to work on yourself in order to learn how to give love to others. There are a lot of women with mommy issues out there, and it affects them sigificantly, that’s why the ability to do good to others strengthens self-respect and allows you to reduce the accumulated anger that destroys us from within.

You can fill the deficit of attention and support with the help of a therapist, close relatives and friends. The next step will be the acceptance of your mother without idealization and depreciation, take her for what she truly is. The illusion of the existence of only a "good" or "bad" mother must be replaced, there is no such person. It is important not to forgive the mother, but to agree with reality.

In forgiveness, there is a position from above: "I am above this, therefore I forgive you." Agreeing, we learn to accept. "I agree that you behaved like this and accept it as the truth of your life." This is a difficult but very important step towards awareness.

In order to have a more objective view of our mothers, it is necessary to know her child's history, her relationship with her own parents. Try to understand why the mother behaves this way, and not otherwise.

At the next stage, there is a lot of strength for building new relationships, defining boundaries and rules.

And as a result - to build a life in accordance with their own criteria, no longer depend on maternal approval, and also to free themselves from the memory of the heavy history of female family dependence, which is passed from mother to daughter, from generation to generation.

Not everyone chooses the path of freedom. Some women prefer dependence to the tension of real life. In early childhood, the quality of unity and the formation of attachment with one’s mother are important. And in order to become an adult woman, it is necessary to find a good way to break away.

A woman who was able to go through this difficult way of separation feels herself different from her mother, accepting herself as she is, with all the shortcomings and virtues in the relationship of equality and mutual respect with her mother, doesn’t need maternal approval, can afford to tell her mother what she thinks, has a sense of her own worth that does not depend on the judgment of either mother or other people.

How to deal with women with mommy issues

We’ve already described the mommy issues signs in females, but what should you do about it? There are a lot of girls with mommy issues out there, so your friend or a partner may be one.

As a partner or a friend of a woman with signs of mommy issues, try the following: help her build confidence on her own.

Try to identify the exact problem, aspects of childhood that were the most damaging, then you patch them up. Is it self confidence - motivate her, congratulate her on her triumphs, tell her compliments. By any means, make her understand within herself that she is able to stand on her own two feet, that there are people who love and respect her. Remind her of her achievements, especially those which she accomplished on her own, where she did not rely on anyone, especially her mother. Also, try not to give away your motivation, do not say that you are trying to support her because of her problems with her mother, because it immediately makes your words insincere.

After that, all the compliments and congratulations will look fake and staged. “You're saying this not because you're genuinely happy for me”. Such a woman can fall into even deeper lack of self-confidence, if she sees insincerity in your words. Your words, in this way, become useless, you applaud everything she does and she sees through you being a yes-man.

Perhaps try to take a more direct approach, have conversations with her mother, try to befriend her. Make her like you, so she will like her daughter in proxy. Then try to find common ground, talk about her, talk about her achievements and how nice she truly is.

Make them meet each other at family events, make a pleasant atmosphere and manage their conversations, moving them towards the common ground and away from the conflict.