Here's Why Forgiveness Is So Important in Relationships


In life, we constantly interact with other people - relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances, and strangers. If everything is all right with our psyche, most of the time this interaction is successful and even pleasant. But even in the most adjusted scheme failures may occur. Sometimes it happens that the usual mutual understanding disappears somewhere and instead of it there are grievances. The only remedy for resentment is forgiveness, expressed and accepted.

what is forgiveness

The Concept of Forgiveness Per Se

So what is forgiveness? The ability to forgive is one of the key, basic human qualities. This is a skill that opens up unknown heights to the human soul. There are at least two world religions built on these two theses - Christianity and Buddhism. Despite the fact that they talk about completely different things and offer two completely different worldviews, they are united by the attitude to forgiveness as to the sacred feeling. Where does this concept come from?

The fact is that world religions, as well as smaller spiritual systems, offer a path to Salvation, Paradise, Bliss or Enlightenment through getting rid of passions and asking for forgiveness. Contrary to popular belief, these passions are not a product of globalization and aggressive marketing, but of the every-minute person-to-person interaction. Passions arise where people tend to get something from other people. When we do not get it, we experience resentment. Resentment is the catalyst for other passions. Pride, vanity, jealousy, and envy are always hidden behind resentment. And only forgiveness can nullify all these things that are destructive to the soul. Forgiveness in the Bible is a weapon that helps you purify the soul. As well as self-forgiveness is a way to freedom.

But religion often speaks of global forgiveness. This is too confusing, complex concept. We cannot understand how to forgive the universal evil. But do we need this? This will hardly make our life easier. But understanding forgiveness in a simpler, more domestic way is capable of this. The usual, human forgiveness is the individual's comprehension of the insignificance of the insult inflicted on him and the benefits of refusing claims in favor of a productive and pleasant interaction.

Is Forgiveness All That Important in a Relationship?

forgiveness in relationshipsWhat can forgiveness in relationships give you? It’s the main question that you should ask yourself. After all, whatever philanthropists we would like to appear to each other, the issue of personal profit will always be in the first place. Even when it comes to forgiveness.

As doctors say, the ability to forgive can be even beneficial to health. In particular, the constant state of insult promotes the development of various heart diseases. This is confirmed by the results of recent studies in England, which proved that people who are hostile to others are four times more likely to have heart disease and they are more than six times likely to die at a young age than balanced individuals. Why is forgiveness important in a relationship? Because to let you and your second half live a long life and not get sick!

Also, the ability to forgive and to preserve the psychological health of a person is no less significant. As psychologists define, forgiveness is the state of the soul, which makes the one who apologizes a free man and also relieves him of inevitable picking in personal wounds. This is a good way to break the circle of hatred and fear, the ability to forgive is very important for every person. Is it worth talking about the importance of forgiveness in a relationship? After all, a non-free person cannot be in a state of love and accept the love of another person. Only forgiveness can help us to throw off the heads of pride and breathe in full lungs, like free people.

What does it mean to forgive? Doctors say that forgiveness is a change in the negative attitude towards the person who has offended you. Such a change of mood makes it possible to stop the continuous production of strong enough hostile impulses that send doses of dangerous hormones in blood - cortisol, and adrenaline. It is not necessary at all to see the person you are about to forgive. Forgiveness is always within you, so in order to forgive, someone else is not needed.

So, once again: forgiveness is a purely personal, individual matter. If you argue that you would gladly forgive the other half for that he or she forgot about the important date for you or did not cook the promised dinner, but only if he or she first speaks to you about it, know - you are going the wrong way. Forgiveness does not come from selfish, nervous reasoning - it comes when we talk about ourselves and another person with true, pure love.

Many people have a fair question: if forgiveness has so many significant advantages, then why is it so difficult for us to forgive? The whole thing is in our own opinion about ourselves - the feeling of self as an independent personality, which, of course, will never allow someone to hurt us. For this reason, the first reaction is to offend a person too. However, after a while, a person begins to react more adequately and objectively to the situation. It is very difficult for a normal person to move from a sense of revenge to a feeling of sincere forgiveness because it is necessary to develop feelings of empathy in one's soul for this.

In addition, we are fully confident that the offender deliberately humiliated or insulted us. Psychologists call such actions "attribution of motives." We always evaluate our unwanted statements or actions in a different way because we know that we were guided not by negative emotions towards a specific person but by circumstances independent of us, while it seems to us that the misdeeds of other people always have intentional reasons. However, if we look objectively, then in the actions of each of us, both external circumstances and personal controlled desires are equally responsible.

And let’s talk about the art of asking for forgiveness in a relationship.

How to Ask for Forgiveness Properly

If you are used to harbor resentment and wait for another person to take the first step, you need to do a little work on yourself before learning how to ask for forgiveness.

Everything begins with a small one, so if you want to learn how to forgive big grievances, then you need to learn to treat small imperfections more easily. For example:

1. Choose unfamiliar people for your training. If your car was scratched by an inexperienced driver, or you were pushed in the queue, then try to collect the will into a fist and suppress a sudden wave of anger. Control of anger will save you from unpleasant studies on how to make your girlfriend forgive you.

2. Try to forgive "in advance". In the morning, after awakening, say to yourself standing in front of the mirror: "Nothing bad happened, but I owe everyone around me, for everything good."

how to ask for forgiveness3. You do not have to try to completely forgive a person in a moment. Try to give them forgiveness even for one minute a day. Then try to increase this time to two or more minutes. And then see what happens.

4. Begin by forgiving yourself. As soon as we are able to perceive ourselves objectively, not paying attention to our shortcomings or virtues, we become more restrained in relation to the imperfections of other people around us.

So how to make a girl forgive you? In practice, asking for forgiveness is not easy. When asking for forgiveness, you should remember about components without which your venture probably will not work. This is what we are talking about:

  • You must clearly understand what exactly you did wrong: you violated some moral norm or somehow harmed the relationship. You are fully responsible for this. Your request should be specified, without any general words like "I'm sorry, I did something wrong".
  • The second important component is the explanation why you did it. The meaning of this component is to show another person that this act does not characterize you as a whole, this act was simply a mistake.
  • The third important component is to let a person understand that your act was not directed at her personality. You certainly did not really want to hurt her personally. This will allow her to feel safe in the future, communicating with you.
  • And the fourth component - it should be unpleasant to apologize. You can feel guilt, shame, regret, anxiety for relationships - and that's normal. If you do not show these emotions, your apologies will be perceived as a formality.
  • The fifth component, strangely enough, is called "compensation for damage." Quite often it happens that it is not enough just to say some words. "Can I do something for you now?" - that's an open offer of "compensation for damage." Pay for the broken vase, invite a friend to the movie, which you promised to watch together and forgot, apologize to a colleague whom you insulted with a sloppy word at the meeting. This rule applies even to long-term personal relationships. I want to immediately warn: do not minimize the "refund". In theory, how much you "destroyed", so much you "must refund". However, as in business negotiations, there may be an unofficial agreement between the parties about some other "compensation". As a rule, both sides understand what "compensation" will be enough. This is a subtle but important process of communication between two people.
  • And the last. Be honest. If you said that you will not do this anymore, make every effort to make it happen. If you promised to do something as a "refund" - do it without delay.

Sum Up

Forgiving, we draw a line under everything that happened, we finish the situation and put it in our mental "archive". We recognize that such a fact took place in our life, that we drew the necessary conclusions from it and are no longer going to return to it. Always follow this principle.